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Species went paw-to-leaf and fin-to-feather at the Endangered Species Athletics in four sports: swimming, climbing, track and strength. Who won gold? Our favorite sports commentators, Mike Tundrico and Tara Lipinsheep give us the play-by-play of each event.
Swimming Event Results
MIKE TUNDRICO: Mike Tundrico here, bringing you the results of yesterday’s swimming race, where our competitors encountered a challenging course featuring stretches of deep, cold water, shallow gravel bars and rocky obstacles. Tara Lipinsheep, was there a clear winner from the start?”
TARA LIPINSHEEP: Absolutely not, Mike. Michael Kelps took an early lead across the open, cold water—something we were expecting to see from this ocean dweller. He and Diana Fryad were neck and neck in the first phase. It was in the shallows that Michael first encountered trouble.
MIKE TUNDRICO: Once the water went below his knees, he went from sleek to stumbling pretty quick. Diana dashed past him, using her fan-like tail to propel her across the sand bar. Those years of experience spawning upstream were paying off. But she wasn’t alone. Azi O’Hell burst onto the scene from behind, undaunted by the shallow water. And Minnie “Min” Know, did you see her?
TARA LIPINSHEEP:Barely! All the cameras were catching of her were flashes of silver as she zipped in zigs and zags though the course, her tiny size being a clear advantage in the shallows that were slowing others down.
MIKE TUNDRICO: She was the first to reach the final stretch, but that silver flash started pacing at the bottom of the rapids as she considered how to take those last 10 meters of intense rapids. Azi caught up but chose a longer route along the river’s edge, while Diana beamed straight through the middle, jumping over rapids like they were minor speed bumps.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: Michael was the last to reach the rapids but plunged in full-speed for an underwater route, using his flexible body and powerful legs to push off rocks and blast against the current.
MIKE TUNDRICO: While others were struggling to navigate around the torrent of water, Diana’s jumps seemed to be bringing her straight to the finish line. But she was in for a salamander surprise; just as she was making her last great leap, Azi sprang from the river’s edge, aiming for the goal but colliding instead with none other than Min Know, whose silver flash seemed to appear out of nowhere! Diana’s leap piled right onto the collision, sending the three competitors down the rapids in a tangle!
TARA LIPINSHEEP: Unaware of the tumult on the surface, Michael erupted out of the depths like a dolphin, snatching the win by a healthy margin. In a testament to their athleticism, the other three competitors quickly righted course, with Azi outpacing Diana for second place, and Min bringing up the rear. Tara, did you see Michael’s jubilant expression when he realized he’d done it?
MIKE TUNDRICO: A great moment for the cameras! I’m sure there was a party off the California coast last night. Congratulations to Team Coast’s Michael Kelps, the southern sea otter, our 2024 swimming champion!
Climbing Event Results
MIKE TUNDRICO: One 800-foot vertical cliff and one 200-foot giant sequoia tree served as the Endangered Species Athletics climbing course. I’m Mike Tundrico, and yesterday’s climbing race was not for the faint of heart.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: It was not, Mike. This was the tallest course ever attempted at the Endangered Species Athletics and would be a clear challenge for all our accomplished athletes. When the starting horn blew, Brooke-tail Raboutou used her incredibly strong hind legs to launch high onto the vertical granite cliff, but she started sliding and had difficulty gaining altitude on the rocky face.
MIKE TUNDRICO: Ana “Riproot” Rose used her signature style as she calmly ascended the steep face with her roots, with neither risk nor error. Troy Globite’s small claws offered an advantage seeking footholds, but there were a few stretches that were almost out of his reach.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: I noticed the camera was loving Beth Rawrden at the beginning as she fearlessly flung herself from hold to hold. I don’t know about you, but my heart was pounding! That is, until Brooke-tail got back in the game—talk about a terrifying climb! She had found a large crack in the cliff face and started springing from side to side without stopping the entire 800 feet up the cliff. What endurance!
MIKE TUNDRICO: She got a significant lead with that stunt, but it cost her. She was clearly dreaming of a cat nap after that. While Brooke-tail struggled making the first 100 feet of the Sequoia, the other competitors caught up, still full of energy. We knew that Beth would have an advantage on this portion of the climb, and sure enough, she confidently scampered up the tree trunk, just like in her training.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: Troy and Riproot weren’t far behind. They took a few moments to adjust to the bark surface, but like true pros, they adapted quickly. Once Brooke-tail realized she was falling behind, she started leaping up the branches, not caring if several broke under her powerful jumps as she worked her way to the top. She was going for that win!
MIKE TUNDRICO: As they neared the top of the tree, it was clear Troy and Riproot’s steady paces were not going to be enough to outpace the increasingly competitive stunts of Beth and Brooke-tail. When Beth noticed Brooke-tail coming for her, she almost lost her grip on the tree, but imagine what a chilling sight that must have been for her! Brooke-tail’s ferocious leaps were sending this top predator straight to victory.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: It looked like it was going to be a clean win, but the branches at the top were quickly becoming too small to support Brooke-tail’s weight, with one breaking in a clean snap. I wanted to faint when Brooke-tail started falling!
MIKE TUNDRICO: She made an incredible recovery, but Brooke-tail’s moment of instability was enough for Beth to throw herself to the top and grab the winning flag in her teeth. Troy crawled up to third place and Ana calmly closed it out in fourth place.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: Well done to all of our competitors, and especially Beth Rawrden, the Southern Sierra Nevada Fisher, our 2024 climbing champion!
Track Event Results
MIKE TUNDRICO: Is winning a marathon or a sprint? Mike Tundrico here with the track race report, and this one will have you on the edge of your seat, won’t it, Tara?
TARA LIPINSHEEP: That’s right, Mike. I’m Tara Lipinsheep, and I couldn’t believe what I saw at yesterday’s track race. Right out of the gate, Nora “Annie” Lope blasted out of the stadium and down the dirt course, quickly reaching her eye-popping top speed of nearly 60 miles per hour.
MIKE TUNDRICO: She’s the fastest sprinter in the West, and truly, the other competitors were lucky to even see her tail in that first section. But like we’ve seen in her previous races, Annie couldn’t maintain her early lead after burning out her energy. Mya Gration was the first to swoop past her. Her flight speed is nothing to sneeze at for an endurance athlete, but yesterday’s gusty winds added a challenge.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: On the river course, Kieran Smolt was focused and ferocious. Not only does he have to cover the same distance as the terrestrial competitors, but he has to factor in the resistance of the water. His progress was steady with occasional leaps above the surface to avoid obstacles.
MIKE TUNDRICO: Coming up behind was Slo-mo, the tortoise that continues to break all tortoise stereotypes. Her training with the Marine Corps in the desert has made her endurance legendary. Her steady march, low to the ground, impressed the judges on this course.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: It was anyone’s game – and this is when things went sideways. As they rounded the corner and reentered the stadium for the final 200 meters, we saw Annie stumble over her own hooves after being startled by a group of Pacific lamprey fans cheering for Kieran with their most terrifying smiles.
MIKE TUNDRICO: And Mya, who I hear is heading for a Paris vacation after the games, saw her dear friend and mentor Tim Burr, a wolverine and retired endurance track athlete in the stands waving a croissant. As she eyed the flaky pastry, she got caught by a particularly strong gust of wind that blew her into the arena barrier, losing Mya her lead and points with the judges.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: Slo-mo barely seemed aware of the chaos and shouts of the crowd, putting one foot in front of the other. I saw her glance over once to give the Go Go Gobies Cheer Crew a determined look before she put her nose back forward.
MIKE TUNDRICO: Annie managed to get back in the game and make a charge for the finish line. She passed Slo-mo by and thought that was all it was going to take. But she forgot to take a look at the water course!
TARA LIPINSHEEP: Kieran wasn’t kidding when he told the press nothing would distract him from the goal. He was in a world of his own out there and didn’t even realize he’d passed the finish line until a referee flagged him down and told him he’d won.
MIKE TUNDRICO: Mya, her reputation on the line, frantically flapped her way back on course. Annie was clearly still winded from her incredible opening sprint but gave it her all. Still, just before the finish, Mya swooped past her, taking second, leaving Annie in third place! Slo-mo looked pleased to finish the course at her fastest time, even while coming up behind the speedier competitors.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: Congratulations to Kieran Smolt, the winter-run Chinook salmon, our 2024 Track Champion!
Strength Event Results
MIKE TUNDRICO: As a polar bear, I know strong… But these four competitors at the Endangered Species Athletics go way beyond what I thought was possible. Welcome to the results of the strength event, I’m Mike Tundrico.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: And I’m Tara Lipinsheep. Yesterday’s strength event was one-of-a-kind, as each competitor was judged on their own unique strength.
MIKE TUNDRICO: Let’s start with Massi Saga, and goodness, I do not want to be on his bad side. He was given four targets to hit and judged on both accuracy and strike force. The speed of each strike was terrifying and incredibly awesome, growing with each consecutive target! He wasn’t able to maintain his accuracy, however, as his awesome power became too much for him to keep a full handle on. He was given a solid score by the judges, but you could see in his face that he knew it wasn’t going to be enough.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: Phyl Tration, our smallest competitor at the Endangered Species Athletics, is both a water filtration pro and the strongest in the streambed. Right after she settled into the controlled streambed, flows started at 4 miles per hour, which is the same rate as her home stream. She held on through a stormy 6 miles an hour with a look of pure determination and fortitude. But something happened there at 7 miles per hour and she let go. We’ve since learned she recently injured her foot and the flow pressure was causing the ache to resurface. Good for Phyl for putting her health first! Either way we’re impressed with her performance.
MIKE TUNDRICO: Now Bark Henry’s performance was a standout for me, personally. Bark’s solid strength and personality shined as they stepped into the wind tunnel, set roots down deep and settled into place. Bark was barely fazed by 85 mile-per-hour winds. By 135 miles per hour, they began shaking, but they leaned into the wind, engaging their trunk and digging in. Speeds topped out at a stunning 152.3 miles per hour when Bark signaled that was all they could take, surpassing their mother’s former record by 5.2 miles per hour. The judges gave them a very competitive score that put them in the lead.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: Finally, my dear friend Shelly Crusher took to the beach to be evaluated on her flipper strength. At the starting horn, she pulled herself across 50-feet of sand with ease and didn’t waste any time starting her hole-digging challenge. With every flipper stroke, sand slid back into the hole, but the sand flying from Shelly’s strokes showed she’s done this many times before. Before we knew it, she had reached the target and her muscular body was bounding back across the beach.
MIKE TUNDRICO: It looked like the dig and crawl had only charged her up rather than tire her out! Shelly pushed herself across the finish line with such force that it made a crater in the sand—wow! The judges were fired up by her intensity and awarded her a score that put gave her the top score! When asked how she did it, this mama turtle said it was like a summer stroll compared to the trips she makes to Padre Island National Seashore every few years.
TARA LIPINSHEEP: Congratulations to Shelly Crusher, the Kemp’s Ridley sea turtle, our 2024 strength champion! A great show of character and muscle from all of our athletes today.
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